Please give me some support im 27 and i feel like im cursed what sould i do?

first i would like too say im 27 blk male no kids and single i dont want to be desprate i feel like im going too get killed one day because of my evil past i droped out of high school when i was 18teen and i was hooked on the evil side of witch craft i caught bees and drowned them in a jar then thought i could use my mind too bring them back too life ..now thats wasent right..i was going around covincd i could rasie the dead then my old freinds from child hood came back in my like and we was stealing cars and getting into things for no reason then i went to crises hospitals and i didnt stop there i did drugs and i got worse i all most got killed one night because my best freinds set me up ...i was ran over with a stolen car and ran down i was very scary i then was trying to figuer out the maning of like ..i guess they call i grandios ...i was on a evil war path and was very ignorant i then hooked up with my older cousins and we tryed to get into music and become the next hot sencation but i feel like i messed that up....i started drinking beer everyday and started hanging with the wrong crowd...then i totaly disrspected a big time drug dealer ..witch now im scard too speak of..then me and my mom moved to georgia and now thats where we live im not sure if we did because alot of people hated me and wanted me dead ..not sure tho but now ..in the present time..im depressed and lonely i have no girlfrenid no frends and i have sleep terrors everybite i just hope im not close too the devil because befor all this i was handsome and had anything and everything a young 19yr old would ever want but now i think im in trouble because of these nightmares im now schizophranic and i dont like it one bit ....i have panic attacks now...it feels like i have no soul i feel like im going to die..i made lots of mistaks in my past and i feel like what goes around comes arond and its my turn too feel pain..honestly i dont want too suffer ...i feel like i cant talk too anyone or make freinds my family puts up with my illness but it feels like emotional blacmail they are just therw with me nobody come around me too kick it or anythjng...i now go to a wellness support group and i like going its very social but im social phobic or just plan fake so many people rub it in my face that there real and im fake i try my best to deal with these cards im now dealt but its hard im over weight now and and trying my best too lose it ...i pray everysingle day even tho i have night mares i hear vocies of people in ther homes telling my house to shut up or telling me im weird it hurts me that i done all these things..now i dont talk much like im fake and im very sad all the time .y docter told me straght up that god is not going to help me my meds is the only solution that hurts because i try everyday and im super nerves im scard of open spaces and people i think noone likes to see me im loseing hope the only hope i have is fath in god i pushed myself too read every book in our home and i feeel good about that my cousin stabed me in the back with my lady freind and that hurts everyone just looks from the outside and judge me now..im thinking of suicide because i try so hard to fix my wrongs and bettr myself but everytime im getting closer too failur evertime i think im riseing when i leave the house i have pain in my stomach and my haert races and ifeel like runing back in the house ..i guess im agoraphobic but im trying to be stronge and it hard i cant bring up my past cause it hurts that i was that stupid and blind and careless ..now all i have is im belif in god too help give me a 2nd chance and my mom everything is so crazy all i pray for is to smile and feel goodb abut life and be thankfull ..but even if i fake it just too smile it wont help i dont wish imy life on anyone. the things i want is too be able to enjoy myself with making freinds and having a girlfreind ..i havent had in 6 years and that alone makes me feel lik im not a man i dont have any kids but i feel like its kida hopeless for me now .....the only thing im doing good in life now is going too wellness recovry group even there i feel like life is nothing too fool with ..i want to be blessed thats if im not too bad off that god will leave me ...i cant do it by myself.. pleaes be a frenid thanks